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The Crime is Life - The Sentence is Death [entries|friends|calendar]
Judge Death

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Quick letter to Mr. Blair. [13 Aug 2006|07:20am]
My word. I turn my back for a few short months and what happens? Conflicts continue to escalate, death tolls rise to unprecedented levels, and the sheer cost in terms of lives and human misery seems to defy calculation.

But it's not all good news. I see there's a new raft of draconian new regulations concerning what one can and can't bring onto an airline; the state insists on riding roughshod over civil liberties; the police can shoot a completely innocent man in the head, on a train, repeatedly, over a case of mistaken identity... all in the name of fighting terrorism.

You'd be forgiven for thinking I was happy about this state of affairs. In fact, the opposite is true.

It's liberalism and political correctness gone mad. The death tolls should be far higher. Where are the public executions? The purges of suspects' families and friends? Never mind extending the period of detention without charge -- charges can be concocted, Tony. Just say they're terrorists, and take a hint from uncle George. Just say the Geneva Convention doesn't apply and you can do whatever the hell you like to them. You're supposed to be the good guys, and therefore anything you do is by definition good and that extends to torture, mass executions, curfews, you name it. Sure, that'll provoke a wave of protests, but don't come crying to me telling me you've nowhere to put troublemakers. They're terrorist sympathisers, and I figure summary execution applies to them.

Get with the program, you bunch of limp-wristed, mincing pantywaists. Once I'd got my act together, I was able to wipe out the population of my world in no time at all. Take it from me; you could get the population down to ten million inside four months if you apply yourself.

But of course you won't, will you?

I can't abide half-measures.
Prepare to be judged.

judge_death didn't send me any necrophilia porn. [15 Nov 2005|05:25am]
I fear I have once again succumbed to memes.
1. Comment and I'll pick one of your LJ interests and draw you a picture, using MS Paint.
2. You have no say in what I draw you! Or in how much it will suck!
3. Put this in your journal. And the pic someone drew for you.

judge_death furnished me with this:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Prepare to be judged.

Memes are best served old, dead, putrefying and littered with deprecated HTML tags and attributes. [11 Nov 2005|05:54pm]
[ mood | horny ]

necrophilia is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator
Prepare to be judged.

Breaking my cusssssstomary ssssssilencccccce on Sssssony and Tony. [11 Nov 2005|05:38pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Yes, yes, I know, where have you been without my wisdom to guide you? How have you coped without my thoughts and musings to give you the direction you so desperately need?

It was a calculated gesture, people. I had hoped to drive you to despair and suicide. Save me the bother of dispatching you myself when the sentence of death is passed over this benighted world. Still, I'm back now. Just a brief post today, something to get the old creative juices oozing (since my heart stopped years ago, I don't think anything within me has ever flowed as such). A few comments on prominent news, just to ease us back into the mood for Jusssssticcccce.

Sony's use of root kits as an anti-piracy measure. Sony, Sony, Sony; you're thinking about this the wrong way. Those likely to pirate your discs are likely to do it again. Furthermore, they're likely to find alternative means even if their computers are infected by your malware. Still, you've swallowed your pride and admitted you were wrong, and that's very big of you. May I humbly suggest you affix a small mine to each of your discs? The act of sealing them within their boxes will depress the trigger and the act of opening them again will release it. Bang. One pirate justly executed, and at no harm to your sales. Think on!

Blair's Commons defeat: Ninety days detention without charge? You wanted the Police to be able to detain terror suspects without charge for ninety days? No wonder the other parties and your own back-benchers voted against it! That's just the kind of wishy-washy pinko-liberal attitude that I've come to despise on this world. Whatever happened to summary executions? Oh, right. We've tried that, haven't we? Even at point-blank range your armed officers missed twice. And to think you wish to introduce mandatory identity cards as a form of crime prevention too. You don't see it, do you? The fact that people walk openly in the streets, breathing the air, reproducing like there was no tomorrow, is all the evidence you need of their guilt. What they need is execution for their various misdemeanours -- they're all guilty of something; you don't need to worry about them not wearing their name badges!

Actually, no, I'm being too harsh. Let's not overwhelm you with negatives, Tony. Let's come up with a solution. A third way. You'd like that. How about this: push through the identity legislation, but don't actually implement the means to give people this identification. Don't even tell them where it is. Institute a penalty of summary execution for anyone found without these identity papers.

I amaze myself sometimes.

Prepare to be judged.

Crime. [06 Apr 2005|11:14pm]
I approve.
Prepare to be judged.

Who issss thissss Lewissss Carroll, anyway? [28 Jan 2005|10:56pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I was tempted to post a story to coincide with this 'Rabbit Hole Day' meme. I wrote a very brief piece of fiction yesterday, but reading it turned my stomach, or rather it would have done if my stomach hadn't atrophied away to absolutely nothing. Still, never let it be said that I, the master of drastic and revolutionary suggestions, am not prepared to think the unthinkable.

Judge Death's Rabbit Hole Day
by Sidney Death

Once upon a time there was a judge named Death, and he had three friends named Fear, Fire and Mortis. They took a walk through town, and looked at all the wonderful goods available from the shops. A man stood nearby in a clearly demarked no-loitering zone.
     "Excusssse me, cccccitizen," remarked Mortis. "Thissss isss a no-loitering zzzone. But if you ssstep sssix metresss to your left, you will find a park benccch that sssshould ssssuit your loafing requirementssss."
     He took the hint. We smiled and saluted, and carried on our merry way. The multitude of misdemeanours committed by the citizens failed to dampen our spirits, and we offered advice to each and every one of them, until Judge Fear got the idea that they may obey a little more readily if we were even nicer to them.
     "Jolly good!" ejaculated Fire.
     "Whatever sssshall we do?" asked Mortis.
     "I thhhought we could offer them chhhhocolatesss," suggested Fear.
     "Jusssst sssso long assss Fire doessssn't hold them!" quipped Death.
     "Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughed the chums, and they didn't kill anyone at all that day.

Excuse me. I need to visit the lavatory. I don't know why. I don't have a functioning digestive system...

Prepare to be judged.

Memenessssss. [21 Jan 2005|06:25pm]
[ mood | nerdy ]

Cut for reasons of memishness.Collapse )

Prepare to be judged.

I couldn't have put it better myself. [20 Jan 2005|03:19pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Having finally tracked down that colourbar generator that everyone seems to know about, I decided to have a few turns.

Would you believe it! My attitude towards what I thought was a pointless meme changed overnight.

execution is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator
2 ssssinnersss judged. | Prepare to be judged.

Hmm. [19 Jan 2005|11:00pm]
Food for thought

And to think that people want to stop this? Sinners, please, see sense! You're sowing the seeds of your own extinction. It's the ultimate act of responsibility -- a real show of strength and determination to take one's destiny into one's own hands and embrace my philosophy.

I know you can do it, sinners. I'm proud of you.
Prepare to be judged.

Sssspeech recognition ssssoftware [08 Jan 2005|05:09am]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

"Ahhh, that'ssss better. Let'sss ssseee if it workssss with Livejournal...

"Ssssshit! There'sssss ssssstill all thossssse essssssses! What the Hell'sssss up with thhhhat? Thhhhere'ssss exxtra lettersssss all over the placcccce and I'm not even touchhhing the bloody keyboard.

"Wait a minute, guyssssss. Have I had a ssssspeech impediment for all thesssse yearssss? Why the fuck didn't you tell me?


Prepare to be judged.

DAMMIT. [07 Jan 2005|05:18pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I feel I mussssst apologissssse for the sssssslight illegibility of thissss update to my journal, my friendssssss. I wasssss preparing a batch of dead fluidsssss for usssse on my next hossssst body. Ssssome of the fluidssss sssssplassshed into my keyboard and musssst have corroded the circuitssss, impeding the function of my SSSSS key. I have great difficulty with sssshopsss ssince I invariably end up purging the ssssinner behind the counter before he'sssss had the chance to ssssserve me, sssssso I may have to sssssettle for downloading sssssome ssssspeech recognition sssssoftware insssstead. Hopefully that'll clear the problem right up.

2 ssssinnersss judged. | Prepare to be judged.

Performancccccce review. [06 Jan 2005|01:02pm]
[ mood | Who moved my cheeeeeeeesssssse? ]

A quick look at the state of play on this benighted little world.

Humanity: still alive. I blame myself in part. I still haven't succeeded in getting the big plans moving. I had hoped that this rather egregious example of life at its most sinful would wipe itself out by now. I fear I'm getting complacent in my old age.

Dark Judges: Still going. Sort of. judgefear is still around, and so is judgemortis even if old Sheepie does seem to be sulking. No sign of Judge Fire. Again, I blame myself. Have I been much of a leader? This whole laissez-faire justice just doesn't work. It's time to give the Dark Justice business a much-needed shot in the arm. It's time to develop new paradigms, embrace change, think outside the box, and proactively leverage our resources in the field of vitality cessation services until we dominate the market. We need to evangelise and communicate our goals in the relevant markets.

Do you think people might appreciate the idea of a Necropolis a bit more if we adopted a 'dress-down Friday' policy?

2 ssssinnersss judged. | Prepare to be judged.

Sssstolen from judge_death: [01 Jan 2005|07:35pm]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

Liessss, all liessss!

Oh, why won't Alka-Seltzer work on alien superfiends... I look like, well, me warmed up... urgh...

Prepare to be judged.

I'm in the mood for love... [01 Jan 2005|04:10am]
[ mood | horny ]

Premise: http://www.distefano.com
Premise: http://www.realdoll.com
Conclusion: ?

Come on, people...

1 ssssinner judged. | Prepare to be judged.

Quick quesssstion for my homiessss... [29 Dec 2004|04:54am]
[ mood | cranky ]

Oh, by the way, when did we end up in Zangband? I don't recall ussss getting paid for that one... is this Fire's work again? He'll quite happily cash in on our image, but will he rejoin the band? "Oh, no, guysssss, can't go reliving old gloriesssss..."

Prepare to be judged.

Before anyone assssksss... [29 Dec 2004|04:30am]
[ mood | peeved ]

No, I did not play the Mouth of Sauron in the extended version of The Return of the King. That's my brother-in-law Lionel. I wouldn't put all those fancy horns on my helmet. There is such a thing as taste, chums and pals.

2 ssssinnersss judged. | Prepare to be judged.

Why, yes. Yes, it is. [29 Nov 2004|11:58pm]
Necrophilia is love.
Prepare to be judged.

I am disssssturbed. [16 Nov 2004|04:18pm]
[ mood | disgusted ]

No, no, no, no, no.

Your LJ Perfect Date
LJ Username 
Choose a random word
Your Perfect Date dungeoneer
You have dinner at your place
Afterwards you go to the beach
Your date asks you to please untie him/her
You say bite me *wink*
Chance you will get lucky - 50%
This cool quiz by akasha82 - Taken 210111 Times.
New - Dating Advice written by YOU!

Prepare to be judged.

Raccccism [15 Nov 2004|04:44pm]
[ mood | angry ]

While waiting for Judge Fire to show up, I've taken to fiddling around with these memes, trying to figure out what makes the living tick, so I can work out how to make them stop ticking.

Apparently, this is true:

You are a zombie.  I hope you're happy with this,
because you're gonna be a zombie for a long,
long, long time.  Like, forever.  Lucky you.
Have some brain stew.  (Yeah, I had to stick a
Green Day reference somewhere...)

Are You a Zombie?
brought to you by Quizilla

Just because I have grey-green skin and have a certain, shall we say, shamble in my gait, they assume I'm some mindless extra from a George Romero film. Needless to say, dear readers, I am appalled. I don't go around expecting gentlemen of Afro-Carribean extraction to sing me a few bars of Iron Lion Zion, now, do I? So lay off the undead, you vitalist pricks!

Living bastards. The sooner I get round to wiping the lot of them out, the better!

1 ssssinner judged. | Prepare to be judged.

The state of affairs [03 Nov 2004|10:27pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I approve.

Prepare to be judged.

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